One homeowner responded with a creative array of insults when they realized that a previously unidentified plant in their new yard was a notorious invasive species.
Invasive plants are a real problem for homeowners and conservationists. They aren't native to the area, but they thrive there — a little too well. They crowd out other species and can totally destroy yards and habitats by taking over.
In this case, the invasive species in question was Chinese wisteria. "Chinese Wisteria is going to get me on a government watch list," said the original poster in a Reddit thread on r/Landscaping. "This f*** of a plant was left unchecked for years on our new property."
They weren't sure what it was at first. "I just assumed it was a big patch of bittersweet while it was naked over the winter," they said. "Nope: Decades old Chinese Wisteria. It's choked all the other bittersweet and honeysuckle around to death though, so… thank you, Satan?"
Many gardeners would resort to harsh chemicals to take out an infestation this severe, but that didn't even work for the original poster. "It's been chugging my triclopyr and glyphosate like tequila," they said.
That left manual removal. "I'm convinced people driving by are going to eventually report the 'crackhead who appears to be pulling all the electrical cables out of the ground and asking them who their daddy is' to the cops," they said, and joked about taking more desperate measures.
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"Bad news when they find the last 72 hours of google history. 'How decimate life contained area' 'Monsanto house call book online' 'Agent orange wholesale price near me' 'How to unsalt earth later' 'Smallest tactical nuke Amazon Prime' 'Medium tactical nuke Amazon Prime'"
They ended with a plea for advice. "Help. Me. Should I just rent a back hoe and dig out a chunk of the yard?"
Commenters agreed that wisteria is a menace. "I have a Chinese wisteria that I left unchecked for 2 years and I tried to cut it all down this spring," said one user. "It broke my chainsaw when I tried to cut it down. I reduced it by about 1/3."
"Wisteria is one of those 'old people's plants' that gained its popularity back in the day because it was impossible to kill and grew really really fast," said another commenter. "I feel like people today are making the same mistakes with different species that are trending in landscape design which we're all going to be screaming at in 30 years time."
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